This song.

''Here I sit and watch my world come crumbling down
I cry for help, no one's around
Silently screaming as I bang my head against the wall
Seems like no one cares at all

Always an emotion but how could I explain?
Kinda like the scent of a rose but you can't explain
The same with my pain, caught up in emotion, goes over my head
Sometimes I got to think to myself is this life or death
Am I living or am I dead?

The clock keeps ticking but nothing else seems to change
Problems never solved, just rearranged
And then I think about all the times that I've had
Some were good, most were bad

I search for personality, and I look for things I cannot see
Love and peace flash through my mind,
pain and hate is all I find
Find no hope in nothing new
and I never had a dream come true
Lies and hate and agony
through my eyes that's all I see

If I'm gonna cry, will you wipe away my tears?
And if I'm gonna die, Lord, please take away my fear
Before I drown in sorrow, well, I just want to say
How will I laugh tomorrow, when I can't even smile today?

Today, today, today when I can't even smile today
Today, today, today when I can't even smile today
How will I laugh tomorrow, when I can't even smile today?
How will I laugh tomorrow, when I can't even smile today?

You think something's funny?
Laugh at this!!!!

So when I look outside my room,
I see the world but not the reason
What is done to me is not fair,
you call it fate, I call it treason

But I know not what to do, gimme a sign, I'll take whatever
But if you want me, here I am, ain't gonna die forever
And I tried to hold you but you just turned away
And I tried to tell you but not a word I say
Cried out so loudly but you just covered your ears
I gave you all the signs but you ignored my tears

So if you want me, here I am,
I sit here waiting your decision
But my body fights my mind
and it is headed straight for a collision
So am I getting near
Or am I still looking in all the wrong places?
But the only thing that seems to change
Are the looks on the faces

Doesn't anyone?
Seems like no one cares at all

I search for personality, I look for things I cannot see
Love and peace flash through my mind,
pain and hate is all I find
Find no hope in nothing new
and I never had a dream come true
Lies and hate and agony, through my eyes that's all I see

How will I laugh tomorrow?
How will I laugh tomorrow?
How will I laugh tomorrow?

How will I laugh tomorrow, when I can't even smile today?
Today, today, when I can't even smile today?
Today, today, when I can't even smile today?
How will I laugh tomorrow, when I can't even smile today?

How will I laugh tomorrow, when I can't even smile today?''

just random thoughts

I still remember his roaring. He growled like an animal and then dropped the shoe laces he was holding. There was a sudden jerk and then nothing.

It smelled of alcohol and piss, that doorstep he was calling home. Maybe it wasn't even his home, just a shelter for the night, a pass time in the other dimension. Greasy hair, untidy, long. A stubble, couple of wrinkles, a weird hat. No name, just a description. A forgotten coat from times long past, hole shoes that had roamed over the unwelcoming side of Athens, that of more sadness, some could say weakness or misery. That of more loneliness.

His eyes were fixed in the corner, I always wondered if it was the 3 policemen few steps away he had spotted. Dry tongue, heavy breathing, an empty injection.

Bam. Sirens. Someone had called an ambulance. People moving, people being (re)moved. The policemen might have noticed something. Slight uproar. I need water. The shoe laces stood there alone, their owner missing. It took me some time to realise. He was dead.

It was the first time I saw a person dying in front of me. It was so calm, life seemed like a fairy passing by, lingering around for a second and then cointinuing to her unknown final destination. But at the same time, so violent. The fairy was self-conflicted. And I was just standing there. Don't go. Please don't go, please not infront of me...

What is life? I don't know. I'm just standing now on my bed, looking at the ceiling after a crappy day of moving around and accomplishing nothing and crying. I just want to let go the pressure.

What is life? My friend told me she had tried to commit suicide when she was in high school, I was appalled. It can't be, she's trolling me. Then what are these cuts? The green tea evening ended up as a huge discussion. It's not your fault, I said. It's not your fault, don't let go. She smiled and told me to copy the lectures schedule.

That was two days ago.

Rain. Leaves like carcasses. A nightline training email. A sign near loveshack "don't do drugs". "The big issue", an old man playing the flute, an out of tune voice singing for money. Macklemore's 'otherside' on my iphone.

Please don't go. Feels like I sometimes reiterate this phrase as a reminder to myself, don't let go.

Everything is going to be ok. I don't want any more suffering, I wish I could just walk around the world hugging people. Someone told me that hugs are the best medicine-because one size fits all. I think, when I hug someone I can feel their pulse, their energy. You see sometimes a tap in the head, a silent stroll ,a night under the stars can be so helpful. 

I still don't know what's life. But this roar, the living corpses, the despair, don't give up. And to myself, don't let go either. Tomorrow is a new day.

To my fave Canadian

You're right. I'm too sensitive. It's weird and at the same time awkward how I can get sad knowing that people I care about are having a difficult time. Anyway, I was planning to tell you these things while you were in Greece but I always held back. However, this time i'll be a spontaneous Greek and apologies for my bad English beforehand.

Marinin.You're a great person. Pretty much anyone I know who has met you agrees on that. Except maybe yourself. So I'll say it once again; you're a great person and I'm honestly glad I met you.You don't have to be perfect in everything and it's not always your fault if sometimes things go wrong. Being naturally negative, you're bound to be more vulnerable inside. And it's hard and it sucks and it takes a huge toll on you for whatever reason. I know first hand cause even if expressing it in different ways I'm in a sense the same.

I always said to my best friend that each person goes through his own loneliness, be it social or personal.  I get angry and frustrated but on the stage called life everyone can be a great pretender, smiling and trying to overcome his own way.Yet when you get back to your room it just comes out and you feel like punching everything and everyone, fuck this shit man why me, why that, it's heavy and you feel like sinking and you want to cry, who the hell asked the tears to come out it's not a good time people are watching dammit close the door, where is my pillow!. and turn on the music and sit back and think, think, think....

Thinkers, I was watching you on the train I wanted to ask what's going on -rarely I did-, you were thinking. That fractal labyrinth only knows how to follow its own rules and stupid thoughts just strike people out of the blue; one can't help it I suppose. Introverts and personalities have nothing to do with race though. You're an introvert not cause you're Asian and you're not kind because you're Canadian. It's Marinin being the introvert and Marinin being the kind person, and Marinin is unique in the whole freaking world and that's what makes her amazing. So whatever you're thinking, don't let it get to you. You're a fighter girl, and I have faith in you. I'm sure your best friend would say the same, you're hard working and you're already a winner. 

Just don't let it get to you. Even personal stuff, don't give up. Heck, you're 26 and not an old hag as much as you like to mock this fact lol.

So girl keep your head up and if you ever feel overwhelmed by troubles, put the glass down (I have yet to apply this advice to myself btw, which is a bit ironic but oh well).
And know that I'm here if you want to talk.

Sorry for the weird text, I just felt like putting it on paper -hope you don't get mad-
The impulsive Greek,
Naf